MMA

Well there was no vomit, but I did end up feeling very sick and before reaching a state of 'fat boy exercises for first time in years' nausea, I had the pleasure of having to contemplate my sexuality (still hetro) and fantasise of my rapid rise to UFC fame and all the redneck glamour that is associated with it.

For those not in the know, MMA is a combination of ancient martial arts (Judo, Jujitsu, Boxing, Muay Thai and anything other method of inflicting pain) that has recently been popularised by UFC on cable TV. If you've never seen it before, just YouTube ÚFC and you'll quickly understand why it is the redneck sport of choice (think WWF fans on steroids).

While I walk the dog quite regularly, the only time my heart rate is elevated to a level Michelle Bridges would define as acceptable is when I a) scare myself or b) when I run to the shop to get a pack of smokes. Needless to say, after a five minute jog to warm up I was already feeling dizzy.

While the effort of my body returning to homeostasis (elevated heart rates, excessive sweating, and increased breath rate) was a struggle, it actually became the least of my concerns.

The first concern was when I had to question my sexuality. It's really hard not to when you're suddenly in close physical contact with another sweaty male, locked arm in arm, leg in leg, torso on torso, wrestling on the ground. All I could think at the time was 1) 'geez, Freud would have a field day with this one' 2) I am recreating that scene from Borat.

The second, and much larger concern, was when I had to borrow a pair of the gym's boxing gloves. They must have been close to five years old and if you can imagine a pair of crusty bowling shoes packed with one million mini bush ravers who haven't showered in days you may be able to just, and only just, figure out how bad these gloves smelled. It was ok if I kept the gloves away from my face, but unfortunately, I was sweating so badly that every time I wiped my forehead I caught a whiff of these babies.

It was overall a very painful and psychologically traumatic experience.

My next class is on Tuesday.